Frustrated

The scale is up. 5 lbs to be exact. I had been weighing less and it had been staying the same.. and THAT was frustrating me.. but to step on and see a gain... okay.. now I wish I could go back to the staying the same frustration. I know I need to exercise. Twice a week Zumba is not cutting it. And honestly, I've not been able to go on several occasions over the past weeks. Daughter missed the bus. Sick child. Sick me. Just stuff that happens sometimes.. but when you only go twice a week.. well.. then you're down to once. And moving this body once a week is not enough to keep the pounds from creeping back on. I saw the scale. Its not. I'm really torn about whether to get a fill or not. I don't vomit, but I slime quite often. I'm tight at breakfast, the only food options are really protein shake, water-y cream of wheat, or yogurt. I miss cereal. My son had McD's hotcakes the other day that smelled wonderful, I was cutting them up for him.. I snuck a bite. And got stuck.. had to go lay flat on my back and hope it passed. Eventually it did. But geeze, how stupid do I feel that I even tried. Why do I try, why do I take that risk when I know better? Sometimes I just feel like I am the world's stupidest lapbandster. If I get a fill will I just get stuck more often or will I feel full longer and eat less? That's the million dollar question. :: sigh::

Staying the same

I just got back from Michigan, for the second time this month. The first time I drove out with my daughter to see my Grandmother, as she had just been diagnosed with small-cell lung Cancer. I knew it would be the last time I'd see her, and I'm so glad now that I made the trip, and that I took my daughter. At first, I was going to go alone, thinking it was not a trip for children. But she pleaded to come along, sure that she was mature enough to handle the very adult task of saying goodbye to a loved one, knowing you'd never see them again. She handled it all very well. We had a nice time together with family. The second time I flew out alone, for the funeral. It was a beautiful ceremony. It was nice to see relatives, although a sad occasion. Many had not seen me since I'd lost weight. It was nice to get alot of compliments, though some were a bit odd. My well-meaning Uncle commented that now my sister and I look "like sisters again" . Ummm.. when I was 50lbs heavier I didn't look related?? Well alrighty then. Thanks?

I had an NSV while I was there. I had forgotten to get my dress slacks pressed when I got there, so I ran out to dressbarn the morning of the visitation to buy new ones. I ran around the store finding a few outfits and headed into the dressing room. 3 out of the 4 outfits fit. How cool is that? It used to be such a challenge finding clothes to cover my big butt.. or my hips.. or my boobs. Now.. I know my size.. grab the clothes.. and they fit. And there are so many more choices when you are on the regular size side of the store vs. the plus size side. clothes have more shape, and accent your good parts rather than just cover up fat. I was back home within an hour with new size 12 pants, and a beautiful black/white jacket tailored jacket in tow.

I'm not gaining weight.. but not losing either. I'd like to lose 20 more lbs... but I know its going to require me moving my body more. Next week is my 5k.. and I'm going to do it , but it is not likely I will run it. With the trips to MI and all the stress of losing my grandmother, I've just not been exercising like I should. I'm not going to beat myself up over it. I'm so pleased with the progress I've made, and that my band keeps me from doing too much damage even in times of stress. I've been reading alot more blogs and inspired by how dedicated so many are to working their bands. I want to be one of them. I'm going to try to blog more. um. er. I will blog more. there is no try, only do or not do. I'll try to add a picture of the jacket if I can remember how to add photos to a blog post.

I can't seem to get out of my funk this week. I just feel so tired and unmotivated. I am lax about taking my vitamins sometimes(lately) so maybe my levels of whatever it is that makes you peppy have dropped. We're leaving for the Lake this afternoon the second the kids get home from school.. which means no Zumba tonight either. And that means I missed a whole week... can't remember the last time that happened. But the sad part is, I didn't do anything else this week either. No moving up to week 5 on my C25K. No running at all ::: sigh::: Just.. blahhhhh... yesterday I had my gym clothes on.. which is usually half the battle.. but I laid down thinking it would just be for a minute.. and zzzzz I slept for an hour and a half. Not like me at all. I wish that I knew where motivation comes from, cuz if I did.. I'd buy me some.. or better yet.. I'd sell it and make a fortune.
The good news is I'm trying new foods. Foods I've disliked all my life. It started with coffee. And now here I am drinking it a few times a week and struggling to drive past Dunkin donuts without stopping for a Hazelnut Coollatta. Never drank it before in my life. Next: Tomatoes. They are good for me, I used to pick them out of my salads, sandwiches, etc. Now.. I am eating them. At first it was just toleration but.. the other day.. I actually bought a couple tomatoes. And I make my big lettuce leaf sandwich with avocado,turkey, and tomato! Who woulda thunk I'd ever be a tomater eater. Not me. Today.. right now.. I'm trying Chobani Greek yogurt. I don't like yogurt.. let alone greek yogurt. But I've loaded it up wi th my granola/nut/flax seed mixture.. and.. its not that bad. I need some more breakfast options since eggs, cereal, oatmeal all seem to get stuck in the morning. And I get tired of protein shakes. So yeah, trying some yogurt. I could like it. Stranger things have happened. Ok.. I'm off to get my son moving, and then maybe I'll find my energy... it must be here somewhere! Have a great weekend and Happy Easter in case I don't make it on here before then....

Good morning! Sitting here reading blogs and having my 1/2 cup of decaf coffee. I'm feeling sluggish and thinking after I drop kids at school I might sneak back to bed.. then again maybe I'll push myself and go hit the gym. I was in a foul mood yesterday and I realized it was because I missed my 7am Zumba class. Ry had to be @ school right in the middle of my class, so I wasn't able to go. I didn't realize how much it improves my day until yesterday. Soo.. although I feel tired right now.. I'm trying to rationalize with myself that I'll feel better afterwards if I go to the gym...
Still not weighing myself and I think it's actually working. I'm making better food choices and drinking my water. Usually I'd be looking for the payoff on the scale for these things or getting frustrated that my efforts seem fruitless. Being healthy isn't fruitless just because the scale doesn't move, and thats what I'm trying to teach myself. Life isnt all about the scale. My clothes are feeling looser.. I'm liking the me I see in the mirror, and THAT is far more important. I found a pair of jeans that I realy like too.. a nice comfy size 12. I can live with that. :)

I'm reading a book about emotional eating and I just am not convinced it fits me. I had a happy childhood, I don't feel like I have any deep dark issues that I've covered with food. I seem to just eat during any emotion and really like food, lol. I'll keep reading and doing the exercises they suggest to find the 'root' of my problems.. but.. hmm

We are going up to the lake this weekend for Easter and I'm excited. We are debating whether to take one car or 2. It's easier to take 2 cars, we each have a kid with us. But it's a long drive, and its more economical to squeeze into 1 car. I'll have to see how much Easter stuff I end up having to pack up for the weekend. I haven't even thought about dinner, but I will just shop when I get there. Luckily its just us this year, so no big fanfare. OK.. well that's about it on my end. I'm off to start my day. Thanks for reading..

I wish I could come on and say I haven't been posting because I'm doing fabulous and I'm at goal.. and blah blah blah. I'm not. I'm doing okay. I haven't given up. But I can't seem to get the scale to move no matter what I do. I work really hard for two weeks.. get on.. nothing. I get discouraged and slack off and eat junk food all week.. get on.. nothing. Which yeah, thank goodness I'm not gaining.. but its just frustrating having it not move at all. I'm at a good level of restriction with my band, any tighter and I wouldn't be able to even get a protein shake down in the morning. I get stuck about once a week from trying to eat something stupid, or just randomly. It seems to have sporatic tightness sometimes. So I've decided it is time to end my relationship with the scale for a while. I asked my daughter to hide it. gone. buh-bye. No more obsessing. No more weighing myself repeated times throughout the day. I'm going to just forget it for a month. Maybe longer if my clothes start feeling looser. I have the scale at the gym if I get desperate, but even that one I'm trying to avoid (and doing well at so far). Also.. I'm giving the Couch to 5K program another go. I was into it last summer and fell off the wagon when I started doing Zumba. But clearly the Zumba alone is not enough. So I've found a race on May 15th and I'm going to do it. I don't care whether I walk it or run it, I just want to finish it. I'm chugging through week 3. Hope you are all well... Thanks for reading!

Non Scale Victory!

My daughter had her 14th birthday a couple weekends ago and for her party, we went to the mall and dinner with 8 of her nearest and dearest girlfriends. It was a fun day, though had some drama moments ofcourse. 14 year old girls can't get through a whole day/party without a little drama! But I survived.. and even had fun with the girls. They 'let' me come shopping with them, and one of the stores they chose was Victoria's Secret. Panties were on sale 7/$25.. which actually is a pretty good deal. My daughter pleaded with me to let her get some, and then said.. how about if we split it? And I thought.. OMG.. we actually COULD do that. I can FIT in regular panties now. What a great feeling.. so there I was.. amidst all the teenagers picking out cute little panties that had cupcakes and red lips and sayings like 'call me' on the butt. LOL.. it was fun! I am the proud owner of Victoria Secret panties. Woohoo! No more big 'ole granny panties for me!
I had a checkup with my surgeon and since my fill in October I lost 3 pounds. Yayy.. slow.. but that's me.. it's not likely it's going to suddenly change at this point. I'm still getting stuck quite often and now when i get stuck, I have to go back to liquids for at least 12 hours or I will just end up stuck and sliming again. No fun.. so.. I am taking it really easy.
Today's weigh in: 160.5 Ugh.. I cannot.. CANNOT wait to be out of the 60's!! That is my goal by December 1st. No more 160's! There.. I said it.. I wrote it.. let's make it happen! Have a happy Thanksgiving everyone.

Still here

I'm one year out from having my lapband placed. The 50 pound celebration was short-lived, I bounced back up 4 pounds, or maybe the scale in Michigan was just wrong all along. I don't know.. I'm just considering it a fluctuation.. I'll get it back down, I know I will. I struggled all September feeling like a failure because of that, so I finally went in and got a fill. I'm tight now. It's helping. I'm down 2 pounds. But I'm also exercizing routinely. At least 3x/week, usually a couple more on my own. I take Zumba classes at my gym and I absolutely LOVE it. I even go in for a 7am class on Tuesday mornings. If someone had told me I'd be at the gym that early I would have laughed. I love my sleep.. but I love how I feel after Zumba, and it's just so much fun dancing and laughing with all the friends I've made.

So back to this fill.. and the tightness. I like that I am eating less and feeling satisfied. I don't like that I am getting stuck more and finding myself having to be more careful. I think I might go and talk to a therapist, as I think I might have food issues. Not surprising, many overweight people do. I just don't understand why sometimes I am so weak and try to eat things that I KNOW I shouldn't. Kids hadn't had pancakes/waffles in a long time.. they are off from school for a couple days so my son dug out my Belgian waffle iron and asked sweetly, please mom? So yesterday I made them.. and I had one bite.. and it was fine.. it was enough. Not a problem. This morning, I made a 1/4 of a waffle.. and ate it very slowly.. knowing every bite was like playing with fire. Halfway through, I got stuck. I stood in the bathroom sliming and spitting it out(extra saliva comes up when you are stuck). And I just thought to myself " what is wrong with me???" I don't know if other bandsters do these things, tempt fate, eat stuff they know they shouldn't. I really only have friends I've met on Lapbandtalk to discuss it with, and most of them are model bandsters, never pushing the envelope. It makes me feel so stupid that even with a surgically installed band around my stomach I still have issues. I know I've made progress too. I know 90% of the time I DO make better choices.. so I shouldn't beat myself up.
Well.. the sun looks like its trying to come out.. maybe I'll call the orchard and see if they have any apples left this late in the season.. we missed our Apple Picking this year.. oops!