Non Scale Victory!

My daughter had her 14th birthday a couple weekends ago and for her party, we went to the mall and dinner with 8 of her nearest and dearest girlfriends. It was a fun day, though had some drama moments ofcourse. 14 year old girls can't get through a whole day/party without a little drama! But I survived.. and even had fun with the girls. They 'let' me come shopping with them, and one of the stores they chose was Victoria's Secret. Panties were on sale 7/$25.. which actually is a pretty good deal. My daughter pleaded with me to let her get some, and then said.. how about if we split it? And I thought.. OMG.. we actually COULD do that. I can FIT in regular panties now. What a great feeling.. so there I was.. amidst all the teenagers picking out cute little panties that had cupcakes and red lips and sayings like 'call me' on the butt. LOL.. it was fun! I am the proud owner of Victoria Secret panties. Woohoo! No more big 'ole granny panties for me!
I had a checkup with my surgeon and since my fill in October I lost 3 pounds. Yayy.. slow.. but that's me.. it's not likely it's going to suddenly change at this point. I'm still getting stuck quite often and now when i get stuck, I have to go back to liquids for at least 12 hours or I will just end up stuck and sliming again. No fun.. so.. I am taking it really easy.
Today's weigh in: 160.5 Ugh.. I cannot.. CANNOT wait to be out of the 60's!! That is my goal by December 1st. No more 160's! There.. I said it.. I wrote it.. let's make it happen! Have a happy Thanksgiving everyone.

Still here

I'm one year out from having my lapband placed. The 50 pound celebration was short-lived, I bounced back up 4 pounds, or maybe the scale in Michigan was just wrong all along. I don't know.. I'm just considering it a fluctuation.. I'll get it back down, I know I will. I struggled all September feeling like a failure because of that, so I finally went in and got a fill. I'm tight now. It's helping. I'm down 2 pounds. But I'm also exercizing routinely. At least 3x/week, usually a couple more on my own. I take Zumba classes at my gym and I absolutely LOVE it. I even go in for a 7am class on Tuesday mornings. If someone had told me I'd be at the gym that early I would have laughed. I love my sleep.. but I love how I feel after Zumba, and it's just so much fun dancing and laughing with all the friends I've made.

So back to this fill.. and the tightness. I like that I am eating less and feeling satisfied. I don't like that I am getting stuck more and finding myself having to be more careful. I think I might go and talk to a therapist, as I think I might have food issues. Not surprising, many overweight people do. I just don't understand why sometimes I am so weak and try to eat things that I KNOW I shouldn't. Kids hadn't had pancakes/waffles in a long time.. they are off from school for a couple days so my son dug out my Belgian waffle iron and asked sweetly, please mom? So yesterday I made them.. and I had one bite.. and it was fine.. it was enough. Not a problem. This morning, I made a 1/4 of a waffle.. and ate it very slowly.. knowing every bite was like playing with fire. Halfway through, I got stuck. I stood in the bathroom sliming and spitting it out(extra saliva comes up when you are stuck). And I just thought to myself " what is wrong with me???" I don't know if other bandsters do these things, tempt fate, eat stuff they know they shouldn't. I really only have friends I've met on Lapbandtalk to discuss it with, and most of them are model bandsters, never pushing the envelope. It makes me feel so stupid that even with a surgically installed band around my stomach I still have issues. I know I've made progress too. I know 90% of the time I DO make better choices.. so I shouldn't beat myself up.
Well.. the sun looks like its trying to come out.. maybe I'll call the orchard and see if they have any apples left this late in the season.. we missed our Apple Picking this year.. oops!

50 LBS

I'm out in Michigan at my Mom's house. Her scale is kind of iffy.. Rather than take the # that it's saying, I'm just using the # it said when I got here and using it to gauge my loss. It shows I've lost 4 lbs. And well.. a loss of of 4 lbs means I have reached my first big goal. I'm down 50 lbs. FIFTY.. woohoo.. I am so happy. I've been waffling around 161-164..going up and down the same 2-3 pounds for months now. I'm happy to report that I'm 158 this morning. I am exercising more routinely. Still not as often as I know I should, but I'm getting there. When it's hot, I just can't get my butt out there. I'm am loving my Nike+ thing for my iPod though. It's a little sensor that sits in a pouch on my shoe (instead of having to buy the Nike shoes that have the pocket for it, I could have kissed the sales man that showed me this btw, lol). The sensor 'talks' to my ipod and I can program it to do a walk/run based on distance, calories, or time. I've been setting it for 3K. Then a voice comes over my music and tells me things like: "half way" .. or " One more K to go" I really like it. I like seeing my average pace increase as I am starting to run more too. Just another fun gadget to keep me moving. But hey, whatever helps.

I never did get another fill, even though I still think I might need one. I'm just terrified of being too tight. I would rather try other methods before resorting to a fill. I don't want to be afraid everyt time I sit down and eat. I've just heard so many horror stories about people being too tight, and throwing up, or being unable to swallow their own saliva. I've never thrown up.. knock on wood. I've been stuck. I've had pain, but I've never had food come back up the way many bandsters seem to. And well, I'm kind of thankful for that. But if I keep struggling, then I will go in and get a fill. No sense having a tool and not using it to its full potential. But for today.. I'm good. 50 lbs off this body is feeling pretty darn good! Enjoy your summer.. I sure am!

Holding Steady..

Nothing much to report. I'm struggling. I was going along doing well with exercise and bam, I fell off the wagon. I don't really know how to explain what happened. I think I was pushing myself too hard, setting expectations too high, I don't really know. I just know that I got a bad sunburn and then my knee started hurting. Then I started dreading the treadmill. I took a week off.. and one week turned into 2.. then into 3. I am walking again. I have even finally started running again with the podrunner music, gradually. I went back to week 2. I'm not going to try to advance until I'm really ready. I walked/ran yesterday 2.5 miles while my daughter was at cheer practice. This morning we are up at the lake and I did a nice half hour walk/run. The weight loss just isn't going to happen unless I get more consistent with the exercise. Must. Move. Body.

My band seems to have gotten loose, and I am able to eat things I normally cannot. Well, then just don't eat them, right? It is easier said than done. I try not to fully rely on my band to keep my eating in check, but it is hard. It's still all a mind game. Bread? I CAN eat bread? Wait, my mind says, that means I could eat a biscuit! So yeah.. guess what I ate. :: sigh::: I know one biscuit didn't make me fat. But the battle with the white carbs is my big downfall. I don't know why even after having surgery we, or I do anyways, still have a desire to 'test' the band. Yes.. it's there.. yes.. if I screw up I will be in pain. I wish just knowing that was enough. But nooooooo... oh.. a bite of bread went down.. oh.. another one went down.. ohhh I didn't get stuck.. let me try a little more next time. It's like playing with fire. This morning I ate eggs. I've written about my adventures with eggs before. I haven't been stupid enough to try them for over a month now.. but today.. well, gee the bread/pasta have been going down, let's just give it a shot. Sure enough, eggs went down. I need a fill. I get shoulder pain sometimes still, so I hate to push the envelope and get a fill. But... I'm pushing the envelope way too much without one. It just sucks. I wish it was easier. I love my band, I love that I've lost weight. But this battle with food is still front and center. Will it ever end?

Oh.. and to top it off.. I had to buy new bras today. And my cup size.. is smaller.. and this makes me sad. I always felt like I had a nice ample chest. And now.. well.. the girls are looking mighty pitiful. I'm a smaller frame, I should celebrate it, but this is one area I'm just not thrilled to see shrinking.

Sorry this post is such a downer. I'm feeling wonderful, really I am. Summer has started for the kids and we are up at the lake house. Here are some pictures.. My son at Field day... daugher graduating middle school.. and today swimming in the lake..

Planting flowers..

I'm up at the lake and spent the day planting flowers. My hubby is very outdoorsy and was doing alot of landscaping too. And then there is the brown lab, my other helper. Although helping really isn't her main goal, getting her face into the stream of the hose water is her really her only goal. Into any water really. Dirty. Swampy. Muddy, it doesn't matter to her, if it's water, she wants to be one with it. LOL. She's a great dog.

I'm not sure how this post will turn out, I've never added multiple pictures before. But you can see my flower bed behind Meg, the brown lab in this picture. Hubby helped me plant some of the ones in the center and back because my port (lapband access site) started hurting. I guess bending over too long and straining to dig in the hard soil started to bother it. So hubby dug about the last 10 holes for me. I thought that was nice of him to offer to help me.

Here she is with her face wet.
Geraniums! I am not much of a flower person, so I tried to pick easy things to grow! I went with nice easy flowers to grow: Impatiens, Pansies, Petunia's and Geraniums. I saw some Verbena that was pretty and I bought it but I haven't planted it yet as I don't know how big it grows, I'll have to look into it a bit more. I always thought Verbena was just the flowers that grow on a Lime tree, LOL. You always see fragrances like Lemon or Lime Verbena mentioned together. See? what do I know about flowers?

This is one of the Gerbera Daisies I got for Mother's Day. I love them!

Hubby built me some flower beds, the greenery in the middle is a Hydrangea we've relocated from home up to the Lake. I hope it likes it up here. Weight stayed the same this week. I'm not upset, that seems to be my pattern. Lose a few.. then plateau a few weeks.. then lose again. I am at 164. AND.. I am no longer obese. Still overweight.. but still working on it.. I was wearing shorts the other day and hubby came in and said, "are you wearing my shorts" I didn't know why he would ask such a thing and then after I said no he said, " well then, it looks like you need some new shorts!" They were big on me, looked pretty ridiculous apparently. So I went to Kohl's and hit some great deals. And I got into a 12 in one of the brands. Still a 14 in the others. But I was so happy to be in those 12's.. I bought one in each color they had.. LOL!
Okay.. hubby is wanting me to get off of here so I can get dinner going. See yaaaaaaa.

Feeling Fantastic

I saw my Band Doctor today for a check-up. He says I'm doing great... I've lost 60% of the weight I need to lose to get to my goal weight. I weigh 164.5. I'm trying again with the whole 5K/podrunner thing. I'm on week 2 of consistent exercise. And I have to say, I really feel great. As hard as running on the treadmill is, I am starting to 'get' why people do it. I feel such a sense of accomplishment when I'm done. And this time I have a partner doing the couch to 5k program with me. I think that's really helped too. So if you are reading dear 5K-Lapband-friend, Thanks!

In other news.. my daughter was supposed to go on a school trip to Washington DC next week. And now, because of a swine flu outbreak at our middle school, it looks like they may cancel it. But the stupid thing is, they aren't planning to close the school, just cancel the 8th graders trip. They've been planning this trip for 2 years.. I've been paying for it for the last year and a half($800..ouch) and now they may not get to go. What a bummer.
Have a safe Holiday Weekend...

I decided it was time to post my Before & After pictures. The pictures in my underwear are a bit more dramatic.. but I don't really think anyone wants to see those.It ain't pretty!! I looked at them today.. and cried. I showed hubby and he said.. "wow.. you were a moose"(thanks honey).. but then he said "I don't ever remember you being that big" well.. that's good I guess. I look at the pictures.. and I don't either. But I want to make sure I never forget.. so I never go back there again. I look at myself in the mirror alot more now. I think when I was heavier I got to a point of just ignoring myself.. only seeing myself briefly.. only looking at MY FACE in the mirror. But now I see all of me.. I weighed in this week @ 167.5. I am around 3 pounds away from being out of the obese category. I can't wait. I've been making healthier food choices and trying to be more conscious of my water. Exercise is still not coming easily, but I was also sick this week. Tomorrow is Monday and I'm planning to be back at the gym first thing. Take care and have a good week.

Up at the Lake Again

Greetings from Lake George! We are up at the lake this week, kids are off school, and we are getting one of the cabins ready for weekly rentals. This will be our first time renting weekly, so we are busily furnishing it and getting everything in place for the quickly approaching summer season. So if anyone wants to rent for a week in the lovely Adirondacks, drop me a line. I have lots of weeks open, lol.

On the diet/banding front things are going well. This last fill did the trick. I believe I am at what they call the 'sweet spot'. I eat about a cup of food and stay full for 3-4 hours. I cannot eat much in the morning at all, I am quite tight. But oatmeal w/flax goes down and I need the fiber from it anyways, so it's working out okay. I am down to 168. Weight loss is still slow, but at least it's moving DOWN. Yayy. I only made it to the gym twice this week, but one day it was warm enough to walk, so I guess I'm doing allright.

I keep thinking about Valerie Bertinelli and how amazing she looks in her bikini. Now, being in a bikini was never a big goal of mine, but she made it look fun. Who knows..ofcourse I may have hanging skin issues that would rule that out entirely. Let's hope not.. but it's possible. I've been overweight for a good 15 years. Honestly, I'll just be happy to not cringe at the thought of bathing suit shopping. Plus size bathing suits always left much to be desired in terms of the cute factor. I hope to be down at least another 10 lbs by summer so I can buy size 12 swimsuit. Off to do some laundry and start making lunch for the gang.. peace out.

So Long Claudia

The hospital where I work has decided to cut costs, not surprising in this economic climate. But what did they cut? The Employee Wellness program that I was part of. And they fired Claudia, the coordinator, my motivation, my trainer. I was just crushed when they called to cancel my appointment with her next week. Hung up the phone and burst into tears. Claudia has been a huge support for me. Encouraging me so much, teaching me about nutrition, training me to use weights, charting my measurments, showing me my progress. The Employee wellness program was an incentive program and if you did well, you got the next year of your gym membership for FREE. I was 6 months into it, and was on track for a free year. Now it's gone, and Claudia is gone. The gym is still open (for now) but it's just not the same. Later that afternoon Claudia herself called me to say goodbye and encourage me to keep up the good work. I thought that was really sweet, here she is losing her job and she remembers to call me and encourage ME. Ofcourse I got so choked up I didn't have much to say to her except to thank her and tell her how sorry I was to see her go. So sad, I know people are losing their jobs all over the place, but its still sad. The president of the hospital met with us on Friday to discuss the current econmic situation and what the hospital is doing. So far my job seems secure. Patient & Guest Relations is not an area that is being scaled back at this time. But honestly, if I am let go, I would not be all that devastated. This summer we are going to be renting one of our cabins out weekly, so it will be alot of back and forth up to the Lake on the weekends I'm not working. If I wasn't working at all, I'd be able to just stay up there with the kids. We'll just have to see what happens...

I got a Fill a week ago friday. This picture was taken in the doctors office, they had a Lapband with a syringe with saline in it so you could see exactly what a fill does. My doc was running late that day, so I played with it, and then decided to take a picture for y'all. I weighed in the office at 172.. yikes.. up 2 pounds! It was also PMS, so I know some of that was water weight, but still.. I didn't like seeing a GAIN. This fill has definitely brought me some restriction, although I still seem hungry often. I got 'stuck' on scrambled eggs yesterday morning. That was not fun at all. I still didn't throw up, but it hurt so much I would have preferred to just throw it up and move on. I guess eggs are a common offender for some, it was a first for me. I hadn't had my morning Tea in the morning, I think that maybe had a bit to do with it. But anyways.. the scale is back down to 170. Now let's move onto the 160's. I am tired of the 70's!!

During the warm weather last week I walked EVERY day. Yayy.. my son and my dog came along too.. and on days when I didn't feel like it they both gave me the encouragment to get out there. This morning it was 24 degrees.. my son didn't even want to go.. LOL. Thats COLD! I'm hoping it will warm up this afternoon and I'll be able to go, otherwise I will dust off the treadmill!! And I will use my exercise ball for thigh presses and sit ups.. I'm not going to let Claudia down!

Still here..

It's been a month since I've posted. I went on vacation.. had a wonderful time. But I got 'stuck' a couple of times. So when I came home I cancelled my appointment for a fill. But since then.. I have been on a plateau.. not gaining, not losing. Just staying the same. Grr.. frustrating. And I'm hungry.. alot! So this friday I finally scheduled another fill. I am so nervous to get filled too tight, or to have the wicked shoulder pain return. But I am so frustrated with the scale not moving. And I have been exercising more.. finally. It's still a struggle.. but I am learning to JUST DO IT. I had my 6 month assessment with Claudia, at the hospital gym where I work. I could do 11 push ups now.. 6 months ago I could do ONE, seriously, and thought I was going to die. I had to see how many situps I could do in one minute, I did 14, previously I did 2, and struggled with them. So yeah.. I'm making SOME progress.. just.. not as much as I had hoped. I'm down 2 sizes.. I wear a 14 now, I started in 18/20. Summer is around the corner, and I don't expect to be in a bikini.. but I really would like to be in 10's and 12's. I'm going to go ahead and post my weight, because it helps me when I haven't posted in a while to know where I was compared to where I am at time of next post. Did that make sense? lol

Okay.. so.. I weigh 170. I still haven't broken the 40 lb mark.. but I'm hovering here at -38 lbs. My goal this month is -2 lbs. Just TWO. I just really want to hit that goal. I'll try to check in more. Happy St. Patrick's Day!!

Still struggling..

Well I haven't posted in a couple weeks. I gained a 1/2 a pound after the Belgian waffle incident. And then this past Friday another 1/2 a pound. And this time I had no idea why. I know thats not a huge amount, but when you are trying so hard to get the scale going DOWN and 2 weeks in a row it goes UP.. it is just damned frustrating. It shouldn't be this hard. My eating was so much better this week, yet still I had a gain. Grrr. I still love my lapband, I'm still thankful it keeps me from doing more damage to myself. But I have to admit I wish it was easier. I've done my 30 day shred a couple times this week. I need to do some form of exercise EVERY day. I don't know why I struggle so hard with this. On youtube there is a pyschiatrist that helps bariatric patients prepare for surgery and counsels them afterwards. She's posted on there and I found it very interesting, her name is Connie Stapleton. She talked about exercise, that you need to just get your mind set to make it something you simply have to do. Like putting gas in your car, like getting up early for work when you'd rather sleep. It's just something you do, because you have to. So I'm really trying to incorporate that into my life. Kinda like the Nike logo.. JUST DO IT.
I saw my lapband surgeon on Friday. We discussed putting a little more fill in my band. I am sure I need it. But I was heading up to the lake that afternoon and so we decided to wait. Should there be a problem I really don't want to be 4 hours away and in agony. So when I go home I will go get a fill. And hopefully that will get me back on track. I do have to keep reminding myself that while I am loose and able to eat things I can't normally.. that just because I CAN, does not mean I should. So far so good, being on vacation up at the lake it is always harder to stay focused on eating healthy. But I'm just going to do my best. It's all I can do. It's upper 30's today (heatwave) so I am going to go for a walk and get this body moving. Take care..

Rough Week!

I've fallen off the food wagon. For the past 2 days I've just been so out of control. Even pushing the limits eating things that I KNOW could get stuck. Yesterday the kids were home from school for a snowday and I made Belgian Waffles.. which really are just doughy bread. With fresh strawberries, raspberries and whipped cream! Every bite I was thinking 'this could be the one' but no.. I didn't get stuck. I only ate half of a waffle though, I mean still a bazillion calories, but in the preband days, I would have had a whole one plus another 1/2! Usually one with fruit and cream, and then the next one with syrup and nuts. So what did I have today? Another half with syrup and nuts. LOL. I'm still bad, it just takes me 2 days to do what used to take me an hour. But why did I do this at all? I can't figure it out. I was doing so well, I've even done Jillian Michaels Shred workout a few times and was feeling REALLY GOOD! And then dinner last night.. chinese food.. WITH RICE. OMG! so out of control! Tonight for dinner I decided to just have a protein shake. I just felt like I had done enough damage and the pork ribs just didn't look like something I could tackle. I hope this is the end of my binge. Sounds stupid that I'm the one that puts the food in my mouth and yet I am also the one NOT knowing whether this is the end of it. Control. Sometimes I have it and sometimes I still so definitely do not. Just a reminder that this surgery is not magic. There is still alot of work to be done. I doubt I will have lost any weight @ tomorrow's weigh in. My only hope is that I didn't gain either. But who knows. Waffles. Salty Chinese food. Potato Chips. Ice cream. It was a heckova week! I get another fill a week from tomorrow. This time I think I do need it.
I hope my daughter goes back to school tomorrow. Poor thing has been sick all week. Fever, coughing, and sore throat. Yuck! Hope I avoid that gunk. I've been trying to disinfect anything I could think of that she would have touched. I've been taking my Airborne too.. that stuff works pretty good for me usually. ( knock on wood)
Well.. off to bed.. tomorrow is Friday and my weigh in day.. I'll keep you posted.

Another week another pound!

I am finally getting into a pattern of weekly losses. I really think posting the scrapbook page on the wall by the scale has helped. Each Friday I write down my weight. It is helpful to see the #'s going down. I used to get frustrated by 1 pound losses when I would work sooo hard and wish for better results. But seeing it there on the wall, all the #'s lined up, well it's not so bad. In December when it started I weighed 178. Yesterday I weighed in @170.5. This week I lost 2 pounds! The difference was exercise. I know I need to do it, I know that its part of any successful weight loss journey. But I still struggle to squeeze it in every day. This week I squeezed it in twice. Once on the Wii Fit and once with Jillian Michaels(30 day shred DVD). It's 20 minutes of my life.. how many excuses can you come up with to avoid 20 minutes? TWENTY MINUTES. I'm going to try really hard to make them a priority. I really liked the way losing TWO pounds felt this week. Maybe that will be enough inspiration! lets hope... There are about 6 more weeks on this page for my Winter Weight Loss scrapbook page.
On Thursdays my girlfriend Jen and I usually go out shopping and out to lunch somehwere. We talk about all the things we wish we were doing, we are both busy moms. She just had a baby in October and has 2 other girls as well. So we decided tht instead of going out for lunch, and spending money and eating excess calories, we are going to start scrapbooking on those Thursdays. I'm very excited about this. I am someone that buys all the scrapbook stuff, but never actually does it. My intention is always there, but finding them time is not so easy. I have several scrapbooks with only a page or 2 completed.. and.. um.. my kids are 9 and 13. And those are their BABY books.. yikes! And I have all my "before" pictures from the Lapband too that I really should start making a book out of. So I think this will be a good thing and make me feel more productive in my life. Have a great week..

Staying focused

It is hard to stay focused on weight loss. But at the same time, having the band makes it impossible for me to slack off too much. And while I love that aspect of it, it's a bit of a pain too. Like last night, hubby was bringing home dinner, steak sandwiches or Hamburger wedges. Trying to be helpful, trying to make it so I didn't have to think too much about dinner. But wait! I can't eat that! So he suggested how about salad with steak on it, but I got that last time and it was wayy too much steak and it was warm and made my salad all soggy. I know some people like that whole hot/cold contrast thing. I do not. Don't go puttin warm stuff on my salad.. EVER. lol! So I had 1/2 a cheeseburger wedge, minus the wedge bread. And then I threw some veggies in the microwave, and he had gotten me a salad too. For whatever reason it all just didn't seem to sit well in my stomach. and I was so thirsty but have to wait at least 30 minutes before drinking after a meal. By then the urge had passed and then drinking more just felt like adding to my stomach ache. And then I was so full and bloated feeling I couldn't drink the rest of the night, so I know I fell short on my fluid intake. Arghhh it is all such a balance sometimes! As much as I love the band and how it keeps me on track, it would be nice to just eat without thinking about it so darn much sometimes.

It's only Tuesday.. this week already seems to be dragging. I don't know why I am always in such a hurry lately. Maybe its because I don't weigh in until Friday? Maybe for the Spring Weigh-in's I'll make my weigh in days during the week. I already have a scrapbook page hanging by the scale with all the Fridays through February listed, so I can't change my day yet!
I don't know how I will do this week. I've been snacking on junk again, must be PMSing again already. I'm not beating myself up, just dealing with it and moving on. This is part of my life, part of my struggle with food. It's not going to go away over night. I will just try to add some more exercise to my day to compensate. speaking of which, it is time for me to hit the treadmill. Have a great day.

40 is the new 30!

On Monday I turned a whopping 40! I had really hoped to make my goal.. 40lbs by my 40th Birthday.. but I didn't quite make it. I was feeling kind of blue. So my best friend suggested we go to the mall and do lunch and celebrate my birthday. So we went in Cold Water Creek which was having huge sales.. and I tried a few things on.. and then I saw some size 14 Petite's sitting there. So I quietly took them into the dressing room with me. They fit! Ofcourse I got all choked up.. and was sure that they must just be cut 'big'. So I took a couple blouses in to try on.. this really cute tailored white zip front blouse. Size Petite Medium. I usually stay away from petite blouses because of my boobs.. but I've been noticing my shoulders look smaller. So anyway.. I put it on.. and it zipped up.. it was tight.. I wouldn't go out in public wearing it at this point.. but OMG.. it somewhat kind of sort of fit. I texted my BFF to come to the dressing room.. she came and saw it and said.. wow.. look how skinny you look? More tears.. She almost cried too.. so she made me laugh and left me there. LOL It was such a great feeling. I can't always see the weight loss when I look in the mirror. And God knows the scale is not always telling me what I want to hear.. but clearly my body is changing.